The Man Who Would Be Family
by lizzybennettdarcy
Summary: Castiel has always identified himself as a part of a greater whole. He was an Angel of the Lord, One of the Host of Heaven. He was part of Team Free Will. One half of Cas and Dean. But after years of being pushed aside and treated like a tool he begins to doubt. Or Castiel's long-overdue identity crisis after Chuck leaves and the Winchesters take him for granted yet again.


Dean nodded to his brother as he poured himself a cup of coffee. Sam was sitting at the table with his nose in a book and was probably on his third cup by now. Dean studied his brother for a moment longer before stepping out of the kitchen and into the library. His fingers trailed over the pages of the books that had been left on the tables the night before.

They were between hunts right now; between earth-changing emergencies at the moment. But there was always more lore to read up on, more monsters to learn about.

Sam had been hitting the books pretty hard lately. Dean thought it was probably because it made it easier to deal with the loss of…

 _Tears streamed down the face of the lovely blond woman in front of them. She looked every bit the part of the mother they'd lost in a fire more than thirty years before. But she wasn't. And so Dean stood between her and Sammy._

 _And Castiel stood between Dean and Mary._

" _What do you_ want _from me?" She cried, and Dean's heart splintered in his chest._

 _Sam's hand clutched at Dean's sleeve and for the first time in a decade he was reminded of the little boy who had followed him around, asking questions and afraid of the dark._

 _And Dean was once again faced with a decision. His brother and someone he loved. It had always been that way. He was always refereeing things between their father and Sam. Choosing between Sam's wellbeing and his own. Picking Sam over Cas. And even though this woman had been his mother, she wasn't anymore. Amara had twisted her, whether intentionally or not._

" _I want you to know peace, Mom." A few stray tears dripped from his eyes as he reached back for Sammy's hand. "Cas."_

 _He closed his eyes against the bright light and the last thing he heard was his mother sobbing before everything went black._

 _When he woke she was gone._

Dean moved from the library and checked the dormitories. Sam's room was empty, as was his own. The room that Mary had slept in was bare, Cas' former room. It seemed that the occupants of that room never used it for long.

Dean checked in Charlie's old room but it too was empty. He raised his mug to his lips and relished the bitter taste of the black coffee. He thought about searching the garage and shooting range, perhaps the dungeon. His feet tread a path up and out of the bunker instead. He scrambled up the hill and sat down beside the Angel. He gripped his mug with both hands and ignored the part of himself that told him he'd known all along where he'd find him. He had just been stalling.

It had been seventeen days since Cas had taken Mary back to wherever she'd been summoned from. Dean hoped she was in Heaven but he hadn't actually acknowledged Cas in that time so he couldn't know for sure. He was being a dick and he knew it. He was angry that Cas had seen from the very beginning that Mary had been twisted by Amara's magic and that she couldn't be the mother they wanted no matter how much she tried. He'd begged them to let her go before she became the next thing they had to hunt. It wasn't until she'd attacked Cas over dinner with an angel blade that they'd started to consider his words.

It had only taken 8 more such attacks on the Angel before Dean agreed. And even then it was more out of fear for Sam than for Cas.

So here they sat on a hill above their home and Dean had no idea what to say. He was still angry. A part of him wanted to blame Cas. It wasn't fair but he'd just lost his mother again and Cas was at the center of it.

"Dean." Cas' voice startled him and he almost dropped his half-full mug of coffee. "As I'm sure you are aware there are several realities and pocket dimensions in our universe. You yourself have visited some of them."

Dean's mouth hung open at the Angel's seemingly out of left field conversation opener. "Cas, I-"

Cas cut across him, clearly uninterested in anything Dean might have to say. "Are you aware that in every single one of those pocket dimensions there are the three of us? Or versions of yourself, Sam and I. You have met some of them."

Cas paused and stared at him waiting for some sort of answer. Dean cleared his throat and nodded. "Yeah, I noticed."

Cas nodded and looked over at the scenery in front of them. "Maybe you haven't noticed the similarities. But I have."

Dean scratched the back of his neck. "I don't get it. In one I worked in an office and so did Sam and-"

"What _I_ have noticed is that in every dimension there is a Sam, a Dean and a Castiel. They are our doubles in soul and appearance. Occasionally they have different names. You met Misha. I don't think I ever told you about meeting Jensen and Jared." He paused briefly and Dean wondered at the story there. "In one dimension we are all female. In a few others we are genderless. But one thing always remains the same."

"Ok, what's that?" He was curious, he'd be honest. But he was also kind of annoyed at the back-from-the-past socially clueless Castiel he was speaking with. He was suddenly calling up memories of Cas asking him how important lipstick was or spouting unimportant insights when lives hung in the balance.

"You and Sam aren't always brothers by blood. But your bond is always the strongest."

Dean was silent for several moments as he took back his previous sentiment. Castiel seemed to be very aware of wherever this little narrative was taking them. He swallowed heavily. "What are you saying, Cas?"

Cas was still, so still that Dean was tempted to shake him. He took a breath he didn't need and silently released it. "In every dimension, including this one, it is the two of you against the world. It has and will always be that way." Dean could admit that. They'd been told that a million times. "And in every dimension, including this one, I am always other. Sometimes I'm human, but Dean, I am and have never been one of you. I have never been your family."

Dean didn't notice the hurt in Cas' blue eyes, or the hunch of his shoulders. He didn't see just how much weight the words carried for the man in front of him and the bravery needed to say them aloud.

He jumped straight into arguing. "Of _course_ , you are family, Cas! How could you think that?"

Cas' eyes moved up from his knees and met Dean's and Dean inhaled sharply. "No, Dean. I'm not. In every universe I have and will always put you first. Always. I will put Sam in front of myself because it is what you wish. I will watch the world burn to save you if need be. I have done so in _this_ life several times. And I'm an _Angel._ I'll follow you to my death. I have, many times. I feel about _you_ , the way you and Sam feel only about each other. And that is my lot, not just in this life, but in all others it seems."

He held up a hand when Dean tried to argue. "In Croatoa, you chased revenge and your brother and watched the world burn. You had a chance to fight and make the world better for the survivors but you let the world die. You ignored me while I fell and gave up. I became a shell, sicker than the most depraved of the fallen. The pain I felt was nothing to you and then you lead me to my death without a thought just for one last shot at seeing Sam."

Dean's eyes were wide and the mug tumbled from his hands. Cas caught it and set it between them in the chasm that seemed to be growing wider and wider. "How can you know that? You weren't there. That wasn't me."

Cas' lips turned down in the saddest smile Dean had ever seen and he shook his head. "In the Supernatural world you were sent to, you met Misha and despised him because he wasn't of any use to you. You made fun of him and cast him aside. You didn't care at all when he was murdered. When I was murdered, Dean."

"He wasn't you, Cas. He was just some-"

Cas' eyes were sharp and angry. "He was! All of them were. You know Jensen and Jared were here? And they weren't you and Sam from this dimension but I kept them safe! In the middle of the civil war, while I was being hunted by Raphael personally, I kept them safe. Not because of dimension-altering paradoxes but because the thought of anyone harming you and Sam is unfathomable and I would have died for them as well."

Dean shrunk back. He felt ashamed and hurt. Cas knew him so well that he cut off the joke he would have made even before he could do it.

"You didn't even give Misha a second thought. Neither did Jensen and Jared when they got back. I checked. Jensen suggested that they recast Castiel." Cas told him bitterly.

He wanted to run. This conversation was too much but it was also a long time coming. He was strapped onto an airplane that was about to crash and he had no idea what to do but sit back and listen.

"There's another dimension where the three of them act. Jensen and Misha are in a complicated sexual relationship." Cas paused and Dean died. The plane was now on fire and he'd lit the match. "But Jensen doesn't love Misha. And Misha will never love anyone else."

There it was. If there was any justice in the world, Chuck would strike him dead and erase every trace of Dean from Cas' memory.

"Should I keep going, Dean?" Cas' voice was angry and Dean said nothing. "Foster kids, house fire. You grabbed Sam and left me to burn alive. There's also the one where I saved _your_ life from a burning building and you married my partner, my romantic partner. I was the best man. Well no, that's not true. I was a groomsman. _Sam_ was the best man."

"Cas."

"In fact, Dean there are 873 dimensions where I have saved your life in some way or another. And in _every_ single one of them I am "family". But family doesn't mean anything unless it's Sam and Dean. In every single one of them it's always just me in the end." Cas ran out of steam and deflated beside him. "Alone." He whispered.

Dean stared at him like he'd never really seen him before and maybe he hadn't. "Cas, I'm not sure what to say."

Cas shook his head and Dean could see tears fall into his lap. "There's another thing that all of the dimensions have in common." He took a big breath and looked over at Dean with tears in his eyes. "In none of the other dimensions have I ever walked away."

Dean's jaw dropped and he started to panic. "Cas!"

"I've given up everything for you 100 times over and all I ever get is a slap on the wrist. I will never truly be family. I will always just be another monster to you, a tool that can be wielded against other monsters."

"Cas, that's not true, come on man. We need you. Please-"

"And I will always love you more than I should." Castiel's eyes roamed over his face like he was memorizing ever detail and Dean panicked. "Goodbye, Dean Winchester."

"No, Cas, please!" Dean cried out.

It was too late. He heard the ruffle of feathers and he was alone. He stared at the place where his best friend had sat and he had no one to blame but himself.


End file.
